Truth Hurts, Gains Follow
Roast Your Portfolio Free Truth Hurts, Gains Follow.
Find Hidden Risks & Mistakes
Roast my portfolio — get a brutally honest AI review of your stocks, crypto, and ETFs. 60 seconds. No signup. Rate your portfolio now.
The Nurse's Protocol
The Scan
Upload a screenshot or paste your holdings. Our optical biopsy extracts every ticker, quantity, and decimal from any broker. No manual entry. No hiding.
The Bloodwork
We cross-reference your holdings against our fee database and correlation matrices. Real expense ratios. Real overlap detection. The hidden costs that ChatGPT doesn't know.
The Diagnosis
Nurse Mercy translates the math into a Five Blades diagnostic you'll never forget. Concentration risk. Fee parasites. Behavioral patterns. A concrete recovery plan.
Ready for the bloodwork? Rate my portfolio — free, 60 seconds, no signup.
Free tool · no signup
You never bought NVIDIA.You own a lot of it anyway.
Your index funds are quietly stacked with the same handful of AI names. The AI Exposure Checker looks inside every ETF you hold and gives you the real number — silicon, software, robotics.
- Looks through each ETF's top holdings — not just the ticker on the label.
- Flags the same AI name counted twice across different funds.
- Paste tickers or drop a broker screenshot. Result in seconds.
AI Exposure Check
Example · the classic 3-fund portfolio (60% VOO · 30% VXUS · 10% BND)
VOO alone is 32.1% AI under the hood (led by NVDA, AAPL, MSFT) — 19.2 of the 20.6 points come from that one fund.
Fund breakdown
Top-10 holdings per fund, so the real figure is higher, never lower.
Learn: Portfolio Mistakes & Risk Management
Guides, case studies, and data-driven insights to improve your portfolio
Why Missing 10 Best Days Costs You $228K
12 min readMissing just 10 best days from 2000-2024 costs $228,629. Learn why market timing fails and how best days cluster near worst days.
Performance Chasing: Sector Rotation Loses 43%
18 min readEnergy sector: worst 2020, #1 in 2021-22, worst 2023. See the data proving sector rotation fails for 88% of investors.
Portfolio Overlap: The 73% Diversification Trap
12 min read73% of 'diversified' portfolios move together. That $15K loss in 2022? Here's how to spot fake diversification.
Understanding Concentration Risk
5 min readWhy holding too much of one stock can destroy your wealth. The Enron case study shows the dangers of concentrated portfolios.
The Portfolio Echo Chamber
8 min readIdentify fake diversification and hidden correlations. Interactive tools reveal correlation traps before they hurt returns.
The Silent Portfolio Killer
10 min readHow expense ratios and hidden fees compound to drain returns. Calculator shows lifetime impact of 1% fee difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
Everything you need to know about portfolio roasting
A free tool that analyzes your investments in 60 seconds. Paste your holdings and get feedback on hidden fees, concentration risks, and correlation issues—with specific weaknesses highlighted so you know what to fix.
A good portfolio has proper diversification, low fees, and avoids concentration risk. Paste your holdings for instant analysis—you'll see if you're chasing hype, paying excessive fees, or holding correlated positions disguised as diversification.
You can. You'll get a polite, generic summary that hedges every sentence with "it depends." Nurse Mercy runs a structured Five Blades diagnostic: real fee data from our ETF database, correlation analysis, behavioral pattern detection with severity scoring, and a concrete recovery plan. Also, ChatGPT won't roast you. We will.
We examine diversification, correlation risks, fee structures, behavioral patterns, and timing mistakes. The analysis is based on data and proven financial principles, not opinions or speculation.
Yes. Your portfolio data is sent for a one-time analysis and is never stored on our servers. We don't require accounts, track personal data, or retain any information about your holdings. The analysis is completely private and secure.
Paste your holdings as text (e.g., 'AAPL 150 shares'), upload a screenshot, or import a CSV from your broker. Any format works—just include ticker symbols or fund names with quantities.
We identify structural problems—concentration risk, hidden fees, correlation issues—so you can make informed decisions. We don't give specific buy or sell recommendations. For personalized advice, consult a licensed financial advisor.
The free analysis typically takes 30-60 seconds. Your portfolio data is processed in real-time to identify patterns and generate results. You'll see the teaser immediately and can unlock the full analysis with payment.
Yes! Each portfolio analysis is independent. Simply click 'Start New Roast' after viewing your results to analyze a different portfolio. There's no limit to how many portfolios you can roast.
Yes — paste one holding or your entire mix of stocks, ETFs, and crypto. The same analysis rates your investment(s) for concentration risk, hidden fees, and diversification gaps in under 60 seconds, whether it's one position or twenty.