Truth Hurts, Gains Follow
Rate Your Portfolio Free Truth Hurts, Gains Follow.
Find Hidden Risks & Mistakes
Get a brutally honest review of your stocks, crypto, and ETFs. 60 seconds. No signup. Rate your portfolio now.
The Nurse's Protocol
The Scan
Upload a screenshot or paste your holdings. Our optical biopsy extracts every ticker, quantity, and decimal from any broker. No manual entry. No hiding.
The Bloodwork
We cross-reference your holdings against our fee database and correlation matrices. Real expense ratios. Real overlap detection. The hidden costs that ChatGPT doesn't know.
The Diagnosis
Nurse Mercy translates the math into a Five Blades diagnostic you'll never forget. Concentration risk. Fee parasites. Behavioral patterns. A concrete recovery plan.
Admit Yourself: Weekly Market Triage
- Weekly Commercial Positioning— See where banks are betting
- Sentiment Extremes— Fade the retail crowd
- Beta Status— Lifetime discount on future features
Learn: Portfolio Mistakes & Risk Management
Guides, case studies, and data-driven insights to improve your portfolio
Why Missing 10 Best Days Costs You $228K
12 min readMissing just 10 best days from 2000-2024 costs $228,629. Learn why market timing fails and how best days cluster near worst days.
Performance Chasing: Sector Rotation Loses 43%
18 min readEnergy sector: worst 2020, #1 in 2021-22, worst 2023. See the data proving sector rotation fails for 88% of investors.
Portfolio Overlap: The 73% Diversification Trap
12 min read73% of 'diversified' portfolios move together. That $15K loss in 2022? Here's how to spot fake diversification.
Understanding Concentration Risk
5 min readWhy holding too much of one stock can destroy your wealth. The Enron case study shows the dangers of concentrated portfolios.
The Portfolio Echo Chamber
8 min readIdentify fake diversification and hidden correlations. Interactive tools reveal correlation traps before they hurt returns.
The Silent Portfolio Killer
10 min readHow expense ratios and hidden fees compound to drain returns. Calculator shows lifetime impact of 1% fee difference.
Frequently Asked Questions
Everything you need to know about portfolio roasting
A free tool that analyzes your investments in 60 seconds. Paste your holdings and get feedback on hidden fees, concentration risks, and correlation issues—with specific weaknesses highlighted so you know what to fix.
A good portfolio has proper diversification, low fees, and avoids concentration risk. Paste your holdings for instant analysis—you'll see if you're chasing hype, paying excessive fees, or holding correlated positions disguised as diversification.
You can. You'll get a polite, generic summary that hedges every sentence with "it depends." Nurse Mercy runs a structured Five Blades diagnostic: real fee data from our ETF database, correlation analysis, behavioral pattern detection with severity scoring, and a concrete recovery plan. It's the difference between Googling your symptoms and getting a specialist's diagnosis. Also, ChatGPT won't roast you. We will.
We examine diversification, correlation risks, fee structures, behavioral patterns, and timing mistakes. The analysis is based on data and proven financial principles, not opinions or speculation.
Yes. Your portfolio data is sent for a one-time analysis and is never stored on our servers. We don't require accounts, track personal data, or retain any information about your holdings. The analysis is completely private and secure.
Paste your holdings as text (e.g., 'AAPL 150 shares'), upload a screenshot, or import a CSV from your broker. Any format works—just include ticker symbols or fund names with quantities.
We identify structural problems—concentration risk, hidden fees, correlation issues—so you can make informed decisions. We don't give specific buy or sell recommendations. For personalized advice, consult a licensed financial advisor.
The free analysis typically takes 30-60 seconds. Your portfolio data is processed in real-time to identify patterns and generate results. You'll see the teaser immediately and can unlock the full analysis with payment.
Yes! Each portfolio analysis is independent. Simply click 'Start New Roast' after viewing your results to analyze a different portfolio. There's no limit to how many portfolios you can roast.